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It's a question I face frequently in my therapy practice and will tackle in my podcast: "I know my relationship has issues, but do I really want to end it right now? Would I truly be better off alone?"
Of course, real life is not an experiment, and there is no control group. We can never be certain about the potential outcomes of the path not taken. Whatever decision you make, it will be the one you'll live with, and you won't ever be able to know with 100-percent certainty how the opposite choice would have turned out.
Sometimes, however, you can make an extremely educated guess. There are concrete signs that a relationship is unhealthy for you, and keeping you from meeting your full potential. Often, the inertia is strong enough that you may choose to remain in the relationship because the short-term discomfort of ending it keeps you trapped. That feels more visceral — the immediate fear of the (temporary) negative consequences of breaking up — even if you know that in the long-term you would be better off.
(Many things that are good for us carry this long-term versus short-term battle, from not wanting to get out of bed early for exercise, to being unable to keep from downing an entire sleeve of Girl Scout cookies.)
Of course, we must keep in mind that deciding you're better off alone when you've been married for 35 years is very different than deciding you're better off alone after your fourth date. In a future post, we'll address the steps to take to extract yourself most healthily from a relationship. For now, though, here are some considerations that suggest your partnership lacks the potential to truly fulfill you.
1. There are constant "if-onlys."
Whether it is you, your partner, or both of you having these thoughts, it's a bad sign if there is always a sense that the relationship could be satisfying if only a certain thing fundamentally changed. Yes, many relationships go through phases where things don't feel quite right, but in the case of a relationship that constantly feels like it needs fixing, true satisfaction will always feel just out of reach.
One or both people can start to live in the hypothetical and perhaps unattainable future, rather than in the here and now, which precludes the possibility of true happiness. Does your relationship feel 90 percent good, but that other 10 percent is something that nags at you every day and never feels quite solvable? Sometimes, that can be a sign that you'll never fully fit together well.
2. You don't feel understood.
Maybe you feel that you are loved under certain conditions only, or you keep up a facade for your partner. This can get in the way of true emotional intimacy and feel empty over time — the idea that your partner wouldn't genuinely love the "real" you, if you were truly allowing yourself to be that person. Perhaps you are pretending to be someone you're not, hiding an important part of your personality, or even feigning interest in certain hobbies or activities of theirs to keep them happy, letting them call the shots about how you spend your time.
Or maybe you are being yourself — and yet you never feel like your partner actually "gets" you. These types of emotional disconnects can lead to profound loneliness that — ironically — may make you feel even more isolated than if you were single.
3. You feel drained by your partner, even when they're not being particularly draining.
In any relationship, there are times when one partner takes more than gives; equal and perfect reciprocity can rarely be maintained all the time. Good relationships have flexibility and don't bean-count. That said, sometimes someone might feel constantly exhausted by a partner — even if that partner isn't really doing much to be exhausting.
When you are always frustrated by a partner, and you feel that you need a break
from them far more often than being with them provides a break — that is a sign that something is seriously off. Perhaps it is something fixable, but if you find it hard to solve or even to put your finger on, it could be a sign that being with them is always going to be more taxing than a relationship should be.
4. You hide major parts of your partner from friends and family.
Perhaps you cover up your partner's drinking or lie about how well they treat others. Maybe you're ashamed to admit how often you fight, or you find yourself censoring the fact that your partner has a long-standing problem with gambling, or you've lost trust in their faithfulness. If you find yourself painting a picture of your partner to others that is not at all representative of who they are, it is a sign that they are simply not measuring up to the standards that you know you should have. It's one thing if you don't feel like telling your conservative parents that your new boyfriend grew up on a commune. But if you are consistently making your partner out to be someone they're not to multiple friends or family members, that's a sign that you know they are not someone with whom you're proud to be.
5. You always assume or imagine that they'll change in some major way before you have a future with them.
Perhaps you've spent years imagining your future with your partner — but it includes a different version of them. You fantasize that they'll magically become more ambitious, more kind, or more helpful around the house. You picture that you'll finally be ready to get engaged when they become more responsible, or that once they "see the light" about commitment, you'll feel ready to settle down with them. Don't fall into the trap of committing to a version of a mate that isn't real. Do you want to be with your partner for the person they are, truly, right here and now? That is much more of an important metric.
6. You have to make apologies for yourself, and often.
It is a warning sign to be taken seriously if you frequently have to apologize to your partner for who you are. Does it seem that you are never good enough? Do your partner's standards feel like they can never be met? When taken to the extreme, this is a clear-cut sign of a controlling relationship.
But even in its milder forms, it can take a significant toll on your psyche to feel like your very existence involves doing things "wrong." Maybe it even goes in the other direction: You have big hopes and dreams that you feel "silly" for having, or that you feel that your partner will quash. Do you long for the freedom that would come with living how you want to live, liberated from criticism and guilt? So, why are you keeping yourself from that freedom?
7. Conflict is constant, and you don't fight "right."
Much marital research has shown us that it is not necessarily the presence of conflict, but rather how you fight, that predicts how happy your relationship will be over time. Are your conflicts riddled with unhealthy patterns, like stonewalling, giving each other the silent treatment, or engaging in hurtful personal attacks? Does resentment grow with each argument, with the real problem never truly getting addressed, let alone solved? Do your conflicts feel not like opportunities to resolve differences or times to understand each other's perspective, but rather opportunities to hurt each other and get out some aggression? Unless you both are motivated to work on these patterns, it is not likely that things will magically change to make your relationship smoother.
Have you dealt with any of these situations? Check out my new mental health talk and advice podcast, Baggage Check, and send in your questions!
In This Article
When a relationship begins, there’s this excitement and energy that emanates from both partners. At this point, they can do almost anything for each other because of the newness of their love and bond.
However, as time goes on, different factors begin to test their love for each other, and everything seems to step down a bit. If you notice that your man is not putting in the effort to make your relationship work any longer, it might be one of the signs he’s tired of you.
It takes the conscious efforts of both partners to stir the waters that will ensure everything returns to normalcy.
On some occasions, it never goes back to the way it was if one partner is unwilling to make the relationship work. This article will be looking extensively into indicators that tell when a man is tired of the relationship.
Related Reading: How to Make a Relationship Work: 15 Ways to Help
Are you wondering how to tell if someone is tired of you? This puzzle lies in your ability to deduce what your man might be thinking of after reading some of the signs mentioned in this article.
Another way you can tell if your man is getting tired of the relationship is by conducting a sincere assessment of yourself since the relationship started.
With the personal evaluation and the signs that will be mentioned shortly, you will be able to tell if your man is tired of you or he has something else he’s battling.
If you want to tell if your man is tired and bored of being with you, you will notice that he will keep a physical and emotional distance from you.
At a point, you will feel like you are the only one left in the relationship. Also, he will make little or no efforts to keep rowing the relationship boat alongside you.
Here’s a book by Ryan Thant that acts as a comprehensive guide into what men won’t tell you. The book helps women to understand men better and possibly read their minds to know what they want.
Related Reading: How to Reduce the Emotional Distance in a Relationship
Can you deduce if someone is tired of you? If they truly are, that means it is only a matter of time before they are out of your life for good. If you are in a romantic relationship with a man and you suspect this, here are 15 signs he’s tired of you.
1. He does not communicate with youWhen you notice that he is pretty uninterested in communicating with you about issues in the relationship, it is one of the vital signs he’s tired of you. Some partners might feel that since their man no longer complains, that it is a good thing.
However, they are oblivious that their man has most likely lost interest in the relationship and is only waiting patiently for it to end.
One of the clear signs he’s tired of you is when you notice that he thinks more about himself and rarely brings you into the equation. Most times, he will only bring you in when he feels like everything has been sorted out.
So on his priority list, you would probably be at the bottom. You can quickly tell this because his actions water them down as you put more effort into the relationship.
Related Reading: 20 Effective Ways to Put Effort in a Relationship3. He takes advantage of you
Someone who takes advantage of you might be tired of you, and you can tell if you are sensitive enough. If you notice and are tired of being used, watch closely; you will see that he will draw closer to you when he needs something.
Then, after you fulfill his needs, he will ghost off till another need arises. When this happens regularly, it is possible that he is tired of you.
4. He gets angry at your unexplainablyOne of the common signs he’s tired of you is when he gets angry at you for little or no reason.
Almost everything you do pisses him off. Whereas, if another person does the same to him, he would most likely ignore them.
Your man doesn’t need to tell you that “I’m tired of you” before realizing this. If you notice that your affairs are of no interest to him, unlike when the relationship was relatively new, then he is likely tired of you.
It is possible someone else has his attention, or he has lost faith in the relationship.
Related Reading: 15 Things to Do When a Guy Ignores You After an Argument6. He doesn’t respect you any longer
Respect is one of the essential pillars of a relationship, and when it is absent, it could imply that one party is tired of the other. When you notice that he doesn’t deserve you, he cares less about how you will feel when he disrespects you.
Also Try: Does My Husband Respect Me Quiz
7. He doesn’t apologize after an incidentIt is normal for fallouts to happen in a relationship, and partners have to apologize to each other for the relationship to move forward.
However, if your man is the cause of a particular conflict, and he neither refuses to apologize, then it is one of the big signs he’s tired of you.
If you have asked yourself, “Is he getting tired of me?” check if he allows you to know what is going on in his corner. He might see other women or plan to relocate, and he does not want you to be involved.
If you begin to suspect and you ask questions, he might get angry. The behavior of not wanting you to pry into his life is one of the signs he’s tired of you.
9. He doesn’t place importance on special occasionsIf you’re tired of loving someone, it is impossible not to remember some special dates in their lives. This is one of the signs he’s tired of you when you notice he doesn’t make any effort to make your important day worth it.
If he has other plans, he would prefer to cancel on you on those days rather than create memories with you.
It is painful to realize that someone who used to have your back before does not care about you any longer.
If you are looking for one of the signs he’s tired of you, this is one to look out for. When you need utmost support, and he turns a blind eye or gives the cold shoulder, he is tired of you.
Related Reading: 7 Things to Do When You Have an Unsupportive Partner11. He prefers to blame you
If he regularly prefers to blame you instead of owning up to his mistakes, it is clear that he is on his way out of the relationship. When he creates a problem, you might have noticed that he hides behind the shadows and allows you to face the repercussions alone.
12. His presence threatens youHave you ever felt scared in the presence of your man? Maybe you think he is going to spank or pounce on you the next minute. When you begin to feel like this continuously, it means that his body language suggests that your perception of him has been flawed.
At this point, you can tell that the relationship is not worth continuing.
13. He has no plans for the relationshipIt is pretty easy to tell when your partner isn’t interested in the relationship anymore. You will notice that they don’t talk about the relationship goals or plans. They live the day as it comes with no iota of intentionality.
Related Reading: What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship?14. He gets annoyed when you want to be cozy with him
Partners in healthy relationships will always want to be around each other. This is why you can find any of them acting cute and cozy around the other. He is likely tired of you if you notice that he doesn’t fancy the way you act ‘childish’ around him.
15. His friends change their attitude towards youHave you noticed that the friends of your man no longer act friendly towards you?
Sometimes, they probably behave like strangers around you, and you begin to wonder what went wrong.
If this happens to you, you can guess that your boyfriend is tired of you and has probably told his friends.
Yaz Place’s book titled Signs He’s not into you helps women know if their man is still interested in the relationship or just wasting their time. Hence, they can stop guessing and look at the possible signs that their man exhibits.
After you have confirmed that your man is bored of you, what is the next step to take? It is best to act right so that you don’t ruin the chances of having your man back and saving the relationship.
Here are some things to do when you are sure your man is bored of you.
1. Communicate with himYou might think you know all that is going on, but you would be shocked when you converse with him, and he starts to open up. Having open and honest communication with him would help you find out why he got bored.
Related Reading: The Importance Of Communication In Marriage2.
Plan a surprise getaway with your partnerOne of the ways to revive a relationship with an individual who is tired of someone is to plan a getaway that they would not see coming.
The both of you can go to a place far away from work, family, and friends and use the opportunity to reconnect with each other.
If you are wondering why he is tired of you, watch this video on why he could be done with you.
If you think that things are beyond control, seeing a therapist would be a great idea. A therapist helps you uncover the root cause of the problem, which allows you to see things from a different perspective.
In addition, it would be great if you and your partner see the therapist together so that the matter won’t be judged from one angle.
To fix your relationship if you think your man is bored of you, check out Tara Fields’ book titled: The Love Fix.
The book helps partners to both repair and restore their relationship on track.
After reading some of the possible signs he’s tired of you, you now have an idea of why your man has been behaving in a certain way.
Therefore, it is advised that you don’t confront him like you want to attack him. Instead, it is best to have open and honest communication with him to get him cooperative.
154,342
Relationship crisis Man and woman
When we fall in love, we often lose ourselves, dissolving in a partner. It should be remembered that it is possible and necessary to show love for another without giving up oneself. Check if any of these signs are in your relationship. If yes, then it means only one thing - it's time to pack your things and leave.
1. You began to doubt your own worth. This feeling should not be, because a loving partner will keep you feeling that you are the best.
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2. Your partner often blames you for something. If he considers you the root cause of any problems in relationships and in his life in general, this only says one thing - he is not able to admit and take responsibility for his own mistakes. You do not have to forever play the role of the guilty and correct them for him.
3. You constantly quarrel. Of course, conflicts can also arise in happy relationships. But if the fighting doesn't stop even for a day, think what are the chances that you will actually be happy in the future. And in no case do not confuse scandals with passion. nine0003
4. You can't be yourself. You should not forbid yourself something so that your partner loves you. If he can't accept you for who you are, he probably doesn't deserve you.
5. You have to apologize for your partner. Protecting loved ones is natural and normal, but constantly coming up with excuses for their bad deeds is not.
6. You often wonder if your partner is angry with you. Anxiety about relationships is not good for anyone. If you are wondering, “Is he angry with me?”, “Well, what did I do wrong again?”, The relationship is far from healthy. nine0003
7. Relationships are bad for work. It is normal to maintain contact during the working day. It is not normal if the partner continues to write and call, knowing that you are busy or sitting in an important meeting.
8. Relatives think that you have become unlike yourself. Relatives and friends notice changes in us faster than we ourselves. And if everyone says that you are not changing for the better, you need to think about it. Perhaps the reason for the change is in your partner.
9. There is no trust in relationships. And it doesn't matter which of you doesn't trust whom. Lack of trust will ruin any relationship.
10. The thought of parting brings relief.
Of course, everyone sometimes wants to be alone or spend time with friends. But if you are better off without a partner than with him, then parting will be the right choice.
11. You don't feel safe. It doesn't matter if this feeling is constant or only a couple of times. In a relationship, you should never feel threatened. nine0003
12. You are a bad influence on each other. In a worthwhile relationship, partners inspire each other, help each other become the best version of themselves. If both of you (or one of you) click on the points that awaken a monster in the other, it is unlikely that something good will come of it.
13. You realize that you could be happier. The previous items may not apply to you. But if you feel that you are not very happy, or think that you deserve more, is it worth it to stay? nine0003
14. Your partner gives you ultimatums. For example, threatens to break up if you do not do something or, on the contrary, do it.
This is primitive manipulation, which means that the partner is not confident in himself and is trying to control you.
15. Your partner's needs have become more important than yours. In a healthy relationship, the desires and needs of partners are of equal importance - a healthy relationship cannot revolve around one person. If a partner is not ready to compromise and take into account your desires, there is no question of equality and respect. nine0003
16. You are afraid to speak out loud. Because the partner will be offended, angry or leave you. But you have the right to say what you feel and what you want. And if fear stops you, think about whether you really want to be with such a person?
17. You have to ask permission. Taking into account the feelings and desires of a partner when making decisions is absolutely normal and even correct. But the partner cannot be the one who allows or forbids you something.
The final decision should still be yours. nine0003
18. You stopped communicating with friends and family. Or they began to communicate with them less. If you invest all your time and energy in just one person, you will lose everyone who loves you.
19. Relationships are like swings . It's good, it's bad, it's great, it's disgusting. It may seem that this way you will never get bored, but in reality it will end in a “shaken” psyche or a nervous breakdown. Healthy relationships need stability, not jitters. nine0003
20. You feel stuck. If you are not leaving because you are afraid that you will be left alone or that you will not find someone better, then it is definitely time to leave. At least in order to work on self-esteem and develop self-love.
Text: Pauline FrankePhoto source: Getty Images
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145,207
Relationship crisis Man and woman
It is hard to feel that a loved one is moving away, this can arouse fear and insecurity. It may seem that something has changed in the relationship, not for the better. “If a partner is physically close, but there is a feeling that psychologically and emotionally he is far away, perhaps he has closed himself energetically. It can be a defense mechanism often used by someone who doesn't know how to express feelings but can't leave,” explains family therapist Linsey Seeley. nine0003
If this happens, don't jump to conclusions about why your partner has withdrawn. Call him for a conversation and ask directly. “Perhaps the partner has lost interest, but does not know how to talk about it. There may be other reasons for its closeness, but it's best not to guess. Invite him to talk about feelings, while treating them with understanding, ”says Seeley.
Arguments and quarrels are not the most productive part of a relationship, but they are still energy
In addition to instinctive sensations, there are other signs, we asked psychotherapists to list them. nine0003
In a healthy relationship, people are interested in each other's lives, not only about big events, but also about small things. If you are important to a partner and he knows that you have an important meeting in the morning, because of which you are nervous, then he will probably write and ask how everything went. If he is mentally not with you, he will not remember your problems or will treat them indifferently. “He stops being interested in the details of your life,” says couples therapist Isea McKimmie. nine0003
Everyone has a lot to do, sometimes there is simply no time to look at the phone.
But if a partner has always been in touch before, but now he suddenly began to disappear, perhaps he is starting to move away.
“Sometimes it is not immediately noticeable that a loved one has pulled away, so it is worth considering how willingly he makes contact. If you are indifferent to him, then he may not answer messages for a long time, not call back, justifying that he forgot or was busy at work, - comments psychologist Gina Delucca. “These explanations may be true, but when such behavior becomes the norm rather than the exception, it is a warning sign. “Most people always have their phone at hand, and you can reply to a message in a few seconds.” nine0003
There is nothing wrong with telling your partner what you want, he is not a telepath. But if you have to constantly ask for elementary things and requests are ignored, perhaps the partner has given up on the relationship.
“If there is a feeling that you have to beg for attention, most likely he is losing interest in you.
In a healthy relationship, a loved one always responds positively to our desire for attention, support and care. If a split occurs in a couple, our wishes are ignored or met with a negative response, ”explains Isea McKimmie. nine0003
Lack of contact does not bother the partner too much. “When a person has completely lost interest in relationships, he is no longer sad and grieves about this, all emotions are left behind. Now he is thinking about something else, ”explains psychologist Anna Crowley.
If disagreements between partners turn into screams and scandals every time, it may be due to unhealthy relationship dynamics. But the ability to argue honestly (without swearing, shouting, and withdrawing into oneself) is, on the contrary, a sign of a healthy relationship. If everything has become so indifferent to your loved one that he even stopped arguing with you, most likely you are no longer important to him. nine0003
“Yes, arguments and quarrels are not the most productive part of a relationship, but it's still the energy we put into them.
We argue when we care, when we want to be seen and heard. If the arguments stop, it may be that the partner has lost interest in the relationship, ”says Anna Crowley.
For example, you used to fight all the time about cleaning your apartment. Now the partner has stopped noticing at all (let alone mentioning) that the dirty laundry no longer fits in the basket. nine0003
“In other words, the loved one stopped making efforts to maintain stability in the relationship. He has already given up and is ready to leave, while you are still in the mood for a fight, ”explains Crowley.
At the beginning of a relationship, partners show their sympathy for each other especially passionately. Psychologist Jamie Goldstein calls this the energy of a new relationship. You have butterflies in your stomach, love in your eyes, you sit hugging on the couch all the time and often have sex. nine0003
You need to understand that mutual interest and mutual efforts are needed for the success of a relationship
It is normal that over time this energy begins to dissipate.
But if kissing, hugging, and making love are practically gone from your life, this is a wake-up call. “When interest falls, physical manifestations of sympathy also disappear. If a partner has become much less likely to make physical contact after the first passion has cooled down a bit, this may be a sign of his loss of interest, ”says Goldstein. nine0003
If the relationship with them is important to you, the partner should respect this. He may not be thrilled at the prospect of spending another weekend at your parents', but he'll probably agree for you. If he began to avoid communication with your relatives, perhaps the relationship became indifferent to him.
“Yes, we do not always want to communicate with friends and relatives of a partner, but we go for it for the sake of a loved one. If a partner is no longer ready to give in, then he no longer wants to make an effort for the sake of your relationship, ”says Isea McKimmie.
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Sometimes small children, urgent work, illness of relatives, and so on require attention. But in most cases, mutual support should come first for you and your partner. If a loved one spends all their time and energy on a career, hobbies, or hanging out with friends, the relationship may no longer be important to them. “You deserve to have a special place in the life of a loved one. If it doesn’t, it’s time to take a step back and rethink the relationship,” Lindsey Seeley says. nine0003
If you always have to initiate a conversation with a partner and make joint plans alone, this is also a bad sign. “You need to understand that mutual interest and mutual efforts are needed for the success of a relationship,” emphasizes Gina Delucca.
Text: Nikolay Protsenko Photo Source: Getty Images
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“I feel that I am falling into the role of a “victim”.
