Couples need to discuss their plans, expectations, hopes and fears before it's too late
As 75 million Americans approach retirement over the coming decade, they might be in for a rude awakening. Many long-married couples take it for granted that when one of them retires, the other will retire at the same time, or soon thereafter, and that their life together will be wonderful and fulfilling.
Yet according to the Center for Retirement Research at Boston College, less than 20 percent of couples retire in the same year. This means that many are out of sync out of the gate. What if she wants to move across the country to be near the grandkids and he prefers a cabin by the lake so he can fish?
You wouldn’t dream of retiring without a financial game plan, but what so many couples fail to realize is that they also need an emotional playbook. Tremendous conflict can arise when partners fail to articulate their hopes and dreams for retirement, as well as their candid fears about the future.
(MORE: The Retirement Talk Couples Need to Have — Now!)
Communicating Your Hopes for the Future
For better and for worse, retirement imposes major changes on a marriage, and change is always stressful. Ending a career, especially one that has been rewarding, is a major life transition. On top of all the lifestyle shifts that come with it, it’s ultimately a loss, so people need time to mourn. Couples cannot pretend that they or the marriage are the same.
As a writer "of a certain age," i was curious about my peers' attitudes toward retirement, so about seven years ago I began interviewing them. I spoke with several hundred men and women over 60 who were either already retired or just starting to think about it. What I found most shocking was the level of denial and postponement in thinking about the togetherness issue. While many people had been diligent about saving and investing, few had considered the psychological jolt that usually accompanies the end of a career.
And the more people I talked with, the more I heard the same concerns.
I wound up writing two books on the subject: The first (Reinventing Retirement: 398 Bright Ideas About Family, Friends, Health, What to Do and Where to Live) covered general issues. But because I saw how much the marital relationship changes at retirement, I also wrote Too Much Togetherness: Surviving Retirement as a Couple.
Interestingly, this life transition doesn’t seem to affect women the same way it does men — even those who’ve enjoyed a long and fruitful career. The end of women’s working lives is often less traumatic because so many are multitaskers, and work is just one of many fulfilling things in their lives.
At the same time, almost every woman expressed anxiety about her husband’s post-retirement life. Even though a large percentage of the men said they were looking forward to days of “puttering around the garden” and enjoying their hobbies, almost none had considered how so much time together might affect their marriages.
The big takeaway was the “dirty little secret” that so many were reluctant to express: that 24 hours a day together is too much. I could almost boil the book down to this one sentiment: “I really love my husband, but sometimes when I’m driving down the street and see his car in the driveway, I want to just keep going.”
(MORE: Survival Guide for Couples Who Are Always Together)
Men and Women Have Different Expectations
For many unhappy-together couples, the problem starts when they don’t have the same expectations of retirement, then it gets exacerbated when they don’t talk about it. For some people, this is a long-awaited time for new adventures, new or deeper connections with loved ones and discovering a new purpose. For others, it means a lot of time relaxing: in the hammock, at the computer or on the golf course.
To not drive each other crazy, couples need a mutually acceptable game plan for the future.
They need to think about and discuss how they want to spend their time, including how much time they want to spend together. These talks should begin long before retirement.
It’s important to acknowledge the gender differences. Many of my male interviewees had made their careers the primary focus of their lives. It was how they measured themselves against others and was the main source of their self-image. Some admitted that they felt less valued if they were no longer bringing in money; others were clearly apprehensive about doing “nothing” for a while.
Difficulty adjusting to retirement is not a uniquely American problem. Two decades ago, a Japanese physician found that as many as 60 percent of wives of Japanese retirees were suffering from similar physical symptoms, which included depression, tension headaches, stomach ulcers, rashes and other signs of stress. He dubbed this "retired husband syndrome," and researchers speculated that the women were becoming ill because their retired husbands were treating them as if they were still the boss.
This is why communication is critical.
Of course, not all women find the transition to their own retirement easy. Some reported feeling like they were playing hooky if they visited a museum in the middle of a weekday. “Will people take me seriously if I am obviously not working?” one asked.
Others found it hard to find female companionship as their friends were still working or were absorbed with grandchildren. More than a few were disappointed that their husbands were not sharing in the housekeeping. One said that she felt she must either learn to play bridge or golf or face a future without friends. “I feel so isolated when my friends drop everything to spend time with their grandkids because I'm not blessed with any yet. Where are the other adults who want to do adult things?”
A 60-year-old writer in New Mexico whose husband has been retired for two years told me he seems “stuck in neutral” and that their time together is stressful rather than joyful. “While I respect his right to retire, I am struggling to find a way to enjoy my own life.
I’ve adjusted my schedule and tried every way I can think of to negotiate and communicate. I love him, but I need to be a person in my own right. Our marriage has suffered more in the past two years that it did in the previous 35.”
7 Tips to Survive Retirement as a Couple
Whether you and your partner’s plans for the future are 100 percent on the same page or totally out of sync, these suggestions will help you create a balancing act and happier future.
Miriam Goodman is a San Francisco writer, public relations consultant and award-winning radio and TV producer who has produced features for NPR and the Canadian Broadcasting Corp.
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“When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.
” – Chi Chi Rodriguez
Finally, the day we’ve been working toward arrived. Both of us retired. Ever since I left the workforce 10 years ago, we’ve dreamed of the days when my husband would join me.
We imagined leisurely days we could spend together doing all the things we love to do. Well, now that day is here. We’ve settled into our new home in central Oregon and are getting plenty of that togetherness… maybe too much.
My cherished morning quiet time is now ‘our’ time and it’s not at all quiet. He’s been up since 5 am, itching to engage with someone and bustling around announcing all that he’s accomplished since sun-up. I’ve suggested he call someone on the east coast but it seems he has no friends on the east coast.
In need of something to do, he’s decided that a “state of the household” assessment is required. All my usual responsibilities are now up for grabs. By him. Being the consummate tasker without any office demands, he’s gone into overdrive on the domestic front.
Apparently, my day isn’t adequately organized. Nothing a large whiteboard can’t fix. He set up a ‘his and hers list’ and gleefully checks off his tasks as he completes them. For me, an eraser works just fine – before the task is even contemplated.
Tuesday is his favorite day, the day before recycling pick up. He gets to oversee the family sorting of bottles, plastic and paper, like a general commanding his troops. Then he retires to his recliner where he claims he’s ‘practicing’ to unwind. That lasts maybe 20 minutes.
I expect most wives would be thrilled to have their husband so helpful. Of course, I am very appreciative of all he does… it’s just that he’s turned my daily routine sideways. We clearly have some adjusting to do to settle into each other’s rhythm. In fact, we’re not alone.
According to a survey of retirees ages 60 to 73, about two-thirds said they had challenges adapting to retirement. Most difficult were the absence of daily social interactions with colleagues, adjustment to a new routine and a lack of purpose in their daily lives.
While there’s no magic formula, here are a few tips to help retirees adjust to their newfound freedom:
Whether taking a class or tackling a new sport, try things you’ve wanted to do but never had the time for. Challenge yourself. Focus on what you can do rather than what you can’t.
For example, try learning a new instrument. Increasingly, studies are linking musical training with improved brain function and better memory because it exercises all of the brain’s parts.
The key is to find something you love to do and do it! Psychologist Jacquelyn B. James, PhD, of the Sloan Center on Aging and Work at Boston College found that only those people who are truly engaged in their post-retirement activities reap the psychological benefits.
Pursue mutual interests to continually cultivate your relationship. Travel is the number one mutual pursuit among retirees according to a study by Allstate Financial. New hobbies are another way to spend time together – cooking, hiking, bird-watching and gardening are just a few examples.
40 percent of the Ameriprise survey retirees chose to volunteer. Volunteering not only gives back to your community but also helps you make new social ties.
One study found that older adults who had volunteered at least 200 hours (3–4 hours a week) within the prior year reported greater increases in psychological well-being than those who did not. Also, they were less likely to develop hypertension than non-volunteers.
Expect adjustment – it’s a journey. According to psychologist Sloan, “Retirement is not like jumping off a diving board, it’s a process and it takes time.”
I’ve learned over the years to be more intentional in how I spend my time so that my efforts are headed toward something long term and sustainable… rather than just busy work to fill the hours.
There’s a whole new world out there to explore. Whether close to home or on a different continent, embrace your freedom!
Here are some questions to ask yourself: What have you always wanted to do but never found the time for? What travel destinations are on your bucket list? How can you give back to your community?
Challenge yourself and have fun! My husband and I are starting to settle nicely into a comfortable rhythm as we carve out our time spent individually and together.
It’s a lot more fun to explore our new surroundings together rather than solo. Now, if I could just get rid of that whiteboard…
Has your partner or husband retired recently? How are you finding the new rhythm of your life together? Please share your tips and observations in the comments below.
A child from a previous marriage is a luxury that not everyone can appreciate. But the older we get, the more we fall in love with people who already have children. Family psychologist, supervisor Anna Devyatka tells how to behave in such a relationship, to keep love and romance, despite the difficulties.
Photo: depositphotos/Wavebreakmedia
Traditionally, after a divorce, the question arises: with whom do the children stay? Most often - with mom, and dad switches to the mode of the parent of the day off. In such a situation, we are faced with injustice: no matter how successfully a woman copes with raising children, in the eyes of the public she will be a "divorced woman with a trailer.
"
At the same time, if the situation is mirror-like and the children stay with their father, then let us remember how Novoseltsev is described in Office Romance: a bachelor with two children. It sounds much more respectful and opens up more opportunities to create new relationships.
The first task to deal with is the restoration of self-esteem and the understanding that you are not only a mother, but also an attractive woman.
"After the divorce, there was not only a hole inside, there was a complete feeling of being lost. It took me a long time to recover from the betrayal, it seemed to me that since they cheated on me and abandoned me, then as a woman I'm worthless," says Olesya.
Only after a year of psychotherapy, when she felt better and was able to trust men again, did the girl see that they were interested in her, but were frightened when they found out that there were children.
Men are afraid of being assigned the role of a savior.
Thus, they will be obliged to take on all the hardships of a woman's life and solve all her problems. Single mothers, in turn, mistakenly think that they will meet a man who is like a prince from a fairy tale: he will defeat the dragon and save the princess from all problems. Of course, such stories do occur, but they are extremely rare and do not always end in a happy ending.
The role of the savior is a dependent relationship marker, and any rescue will need a reward in the form of obedience or overcontrol. The "rescued" princess finds herself indebted with guilt.
Therefore, before entering into a relationship, you need to put your life in order so that no one has to save you from anything, so that you feel like a self-sufficient woman, and not a "divorced woman with a trailer." Male help is good, but you also need to be able to take care of yourself.
Photo: depositphotos/dima_sidelnikov
A woman with children is a whole world in which she can build rules and relationships so that everyone is happy.
As soon as a man appears in this system, the question arises about the seriousness of his intentions and the strength of his desire to enter the family. He will not replace the father's children, but he will claim the role of a "significant male figure" - as it is called in psychology.
When children are small, it is easier for them to accept their mother's new friend and recognize his authority unconditionally ("because mother said so"). In adolescence, they can begin to test a man for strength and compete for who is more important. At this moment, adults need to accomplish a feat: talk a lot with children and with each other, pronounce fears, explain the plan for the development of relationships.
It is important to convey to the child that it is necessary to spend a certain amount of time getting to know each other's characters and building a way of life. Life does not stand still, and therefore it is quite normal to want to feel loved and create new relationships. This approach will allow sharing responsibility for behavior.
Teenagers will understand that they are considered, and they will respond in kind.
Many men set themselves the task of accepting someone else's child as their own. The younger he is, the easier it is to do this and how to deceive himself. After all, the character of a person consists of 60% of education and the influence of society, genetics affects only 40%. True, it can turn out to be an awkward situation if the child's father remained in touch. In this case, deceiving yourself will not work, no matter how hard you try.
To accept a child means to take part of the responsibility for him, worry and worry about his future, wish good and be patient with shortcomings, help to study life. Moreover, the older the person, the clearer the boundary should be: I'm not your dad, but this does not prevent you from worrying about you, communicating and planning a joint future.
Photo: depositphotos/Wavebreakmedia
Marina brought a man into the house, and he immediately began to establish order: to strictly demand obedience and cleanliness.
The children rebelled and turned to their mother for help, but did not receive support, which they perceived as a betrayal. It was not clear to the offspring why a stranger suddenly began to scold them, and his mother protected him. Adolescents have a feeling that they have been abandoned, they begin to be jealous and defiantly behave: lie, steal, give ultimatums and leave home.
It is better not to allow such an uncontrollable situation and make sure that children are heard in the conflict, and the last word remains with the blood parents. It is better to spend an hour discussing what happened than to completely lose the child's trust. Marina realized this only years later and still regrets that she put a man above children.
Marina's example illustrates another mistake: her new man quickly entered the life of the family, chopped firewood, and just as quickly left, leaving her with even more problems. Suddenness, impudence, aggressiveness - all this greatly interferes with building relationships.
If a man loves a woman, then he should not drive horses. It is better to enter her life carefully, gradually reducing the distance and asking: "How is it customary in your family?"
Of course, building a relationship with a person who has children is a lot of work. If you are not ready for it, you can limit yourself to romantic dates and avoid many difficulties. But it is important for a man to be the head of the family, to be close to the woman he has chosen. Therefore, having made a responsible decision, he can embark on a long journey of creating a strong family in which there are beloved children, although not relatives.
Nine Anna
societychildren
Sergey Kiselev / AGN Moscow
Some people retire prematurely or voluntarily. They carefully prepare, save money, plan their financial future and spend time on a well-deserved rest. But those who have already retired, including professional retirement consultants, recognize that it is almost impossible to properly prepare for a new stage in life.
A lot of things change after retirement - lifestyle, sense of time, relationships between spouses. With an early exit, the situation may worsen. For example, in the United States, the number of divorces has been declining year on year overall, but rising sharply among people over 50, notes Chris Mamula in an article on early retirement published by The Wall Street Journal. Mamula carefully prepared to leave his career as a physiotherapist at 41. “In my case, my wife and I did not divorce. But due to the drastic lifestyle changes in the first year after my retirement, we went through the most difficult period of our 18-year, generally happy marriage,” writes Mamula.
Spouses spend a lot of time apart until retirement, and “being around someone for an extra 8-12 hours a day, you have to adjust,” notes Richard Quinn, whose observations are published by MarketWatch. Quinn “helped thousands of workers prepare for retirement for most of his 40 years” as a consultant before quitting his job in 2010.
Relations between spouses can change a lot, especially if both retire early. Therefore, before or immediately after, it is necessary to talk with each other, determine goals and expectations, plans for pastime and interaction, recommends Quinn.
But the biggest lesson Quinn has learned from nearly 10 years of retirement is, of course, about money: income, you think about money all the time.” For some reason, the “what if” thoughts don’t recede: perhaps because we understand there won’t be a second try and therefore our financial resources are limited, Quinn writes.
In the meantime, plans can go to hell right after retirement, notes Mamula. He himself intended to earn extra money as a physiotherapist, thereby providing a transitional period both financially and psychologically. However, he got carried away with two projects - writing a book and blogging: "As a result, the first two years I worked much more, and earned much less (at least for a while) than I planned.
"
The situation is similar with expenses. In the five years leading up to his retirement, Mamula and his wife kept a very close eye on spending and expected to stop saving and not withdraw from investments in the first years after the job ended. In 2018, plans were disrupted - but with a positive result: the couple were able to sell the house without a real estate agent, thereby saving $ 15,000. In 2019d. it was the opposite: they bought a smaller house in a place they liked, but it was badly designed from their point of view. More than $30,000 was spent on rebuilding and repairs, which they did not plan to spend. I had to take money from the investment portfolio.
Experts agree: even in retirement, you should try to earn money and replenish spent savings. Following a traditional retirement plan that involves no income and regular withdrawals is like playing for time in a football game trying to keep a score, compares Mamula. In his opinion, in order to “win”, you need to attack: “Never stop growing and learning.
Find a fun way to earn extra income."
Quinn considers the ability to replenish savings to be extremely important. “You can't offset significant, unexpected expenses from your core retirement savings without putting your financial future at risk. In addition to the main pension plan, an emergency fund is needed, and after spending it needs to be replenished, ”he writes.
Retirement planning is based on a lot of assumptions, but the longer the retirement period, the more of them and, therefore, the more chances of making mistakes, points out Mamula. Life expectancy needs to be predicted; if a person retires at the traditional age, he has about a third of his life left, but if earlier, about half, or even more. But how can you develop a plan for such a long, and, moreover, indefinite period? Economic factors need to be taken into account, such as future stock market returns, interest rates, inflation rates, but even many professionals do it poorly.
Finally, we must predict ourselves, adds Mamula: will we live the way we want, will we like to do what we planned?
During the decades of preparation for retirement and after, events may well occur that will seriously affect the financial situation of a retiree, for example, those that Nassim Taleb called "black swans" - poorly predictable, rare events that have large-scale negative consequences. They can also be related to politics: changes in tax laws, reform of the pension system or health care. But it is impossible to predict the essence of these changes and their consequences.
Thus, in 2014, the Russian government froze employers' contributions to Russians' pension savings for investment (6% of salary) - citizens could transfer them to the management of VEB, private management companies or non-state pension funds. And although some ministers swore that this was a one-time measure, the defrost never happened. And now a new mechanism for pension savings has matured in the bowels of the government - a guaranteed pension plan.
In addition, over the past five years, the method of calculating the future old-age pension has been changed, a little-understood system of points has been introduced, the state has refused to index pensions to working pensioners for inflation (because of this, they have less money to save). A crushing blow to the plans of future Russian pensioners was dealt by the decision on a gradual increase from 2019d. retirement age from 55 for women and 60 for men to 63 and 65 respectively. True, the period for savings for retirement has increased for them.
It is clear that many expenses, for example, on maintaining health, will increase with age, but no one knows exactly how and for how long. Some of the funds raised for retirement should be left untouched and allowed to grow so that they can be used in later years - not least to pay for increased medical expenses, Quinn advises. It will also help protect savings from inflation.
Members of the Quora Q&A forum in a discussion about retirement emphasized that only in retirement do people really learn how to manage their expenses, notes MarketWatch.
