“I’m just too tired.”
It’s the most common phrase I hear from couples regarding sex.
Most people understand the importance of a healthy sexual relationship within a marriage. It isn’t everything, but it is something and it’s a very important something. On occasion one spouse will exaggerate its importance, believing it is the primary aspect of marriage. More often one spouse will grossly downplay the importance of sex, believing it is a sign of a man’s weakness. But most people understand sex is important. (See: Three Types of Sex Every Married Couple Should Have)
Knowing sex is important to marriage and making it important in marriage are two separate acts.
With all the demands of life, it is very easy for sex to be pushed to the bottom of the list. There is always “later” or “tomorrow” when it comes to making time for intimacy for a couple.
Early in a marriage this rarely causes a problem. With fewer demands for newlyweds, pushing sex to the end of the day isn’t an issue. Most young couples go to bed much earlier than they did in college or while dating, so a late night appointment is acceptable and satisfying.
Yet as demands increase, late-night sex can become an issue.
One of the biggest mistakes couples make is getting into a rut of only having sex at night. A habit which can begin in young adulthood without any consequences can become taxing as a marriage matures.
If the only time a couple has sex is at night, one’s sexual health will suffer in the seasons of raising children and advancing careers. (See: The 24-Hour Sex Rule)
Nothing can prepare a couple for how exhausting raising children can be. I often laugh as I visit new parents in the delivery wing of a hospital. Oftentimes the new father will say to me, “If we can just get through these next few weeks of no sleep, we will be good.” I always want to say, “Six weeks?” No doubt the newborn stage has unique sleep challenges, but sleep is never the same after a baby is born.
With each child added, the more complex life becomes, and parents spend most of their lives in desperate need of a nap.
For many people, as the children begin to grow, so does their careers. Whether in the corporate world, in small business, or for a homemaker, the expectations and demands increase. The weariness can sometimes be overwhelming.
This exhaustion kills one’s sex drive, and oftentimes their sex life, unless serious attention and intention is at play.
If the only time a couple has sex is at the end of the day, they likely will not be having much sex.
Here is an simple solution to the problem of weariness when it comes to sex:
A couple should take every opportunity to have as much sex as possible at a time other than the end of the day.
It takes effort, planning, and often a change of mindset, but if they will find times of intimacy other than at night, their relationship has a much better chance to flourish. (See: Are You Having Enough Sex?)
This doesn’t exclude sex at night.
Nighttime sex might continue to be the mainstay of the sexual diet, but if a couple can add in intimacy at other times, it will greatly enhance their experience.
The problem with only having sex at night is you continually give yourself to your spouse when you have the least amount of energy. I would never accept this of a teammate, co-worker, or friend. I would want more. As a spouse, I want more. While we partner together through life, I’m fully aware there are seasons of life in which my only interaction (communication, quality time, and/or sex) with my wife will be at the end of the day when we are both exhausted. That’s part of life. But if that’s the only time we interact, something will be missing.
By creating other times in which we can be together, we are making sure our spouses also see us at our most energized. Why should your work place get you when you are most awake, but not your spouse?
Couples have a variety of options regarding the question of “when.
”
It might take some creativity. For some it will require a drastic change of mindset. And it might involve some risk—what if the kids wake up? But any energy spent in trying to find other times to have intimacy will be well worth it.
Not only will you have more energy to have sex, but it will also tell your spouse that they are not the last thing on your daily list. It will also add variety and change to the sexual experience. (See: What I Tell College Students About Married Sex)
Are you too tired for sex? Then don’t have sex tonight. Go to sleep, but plan on having lunch at home tomorrow and picking up something to eat on the way back to work.
For more, see:
One Tip to Improve Married Sex
Spicing Up Married Sex by Learning from the Adulterer
Gentlemen, Start Your Engines
As Leslie settled into bed, more than ready for a good night’s sleep, Todd walked into the bedroom and gave her “the look” she knew so well—the sly grin and twinkle in his eye that meant he had romance on his mind.
Leslie tried not to let a sigh slip out. After running afternoon carpool, juggling karate and ballet lessons, making dinner, helping with homework, and returning work emails, she was so exhausted that she had zero interest in sex. She just wanted to go to sleep without Todd trying to start something. But she knew from experience that he would get upset if she told him to please leave her alone. It’s nothing personal! she thought, I’m just… so… tired.
As a perpetually exhausted wife and mother, you might feel the same way some nights—or even most nights. For the sake of Leslie’s marriage—and yours—I want to provide some perspective that our tired female brains sometimes completely miss.
It might seem that putting dear hubby off for another night isn’t that big of a deal. As Leslie puts it, it isn’t personal. In other words… we women tend to think that, for him, sex is primarily a physical need. In the same way that sleep is a physical need! Right? Well, actually, for him….
no. It’s much more than that.
Sex is a powerful emotional need for men.
I was shocked in my research with thousands of men that sex is actually primarily a powerful emotional need for men. It meets a very deep need in a man to feel that his wife desires him—a need that hits at the core of who he is, and is thus far more central to his sense of emotional well-being (and thus the marriage relationship!) than most women realize. (Ladies, if you have the higher drive in your marriage, check out our special article series “When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive.”)
Being intimate with your husband tells him he’s desirable, which, believe it or not, gives him that oh-so-necessary sense of confidence and well-being in all the other areas of life. One husband I interviewed explained, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.”
Being physically intimate is as important to your man as being emotionally intimate is to you.
And it works the other way, too. Your (spoken or implied) “please leave me alone” probably makes your husband feel like “you are so undesirable you can’t even compete with my pillow.” Looking at it from his standpoint, that is a depressing message. Do you see how responding—or not responding—tells your husband something emotionally important in a way you might never have realized?
The men often used this analogy: a lack of being physically intimate is as emotionally serious to a man as a lack of togetherness or communication would be to you. It would be similar to how lonely and abandoned you would feel if he suddenly started giving you the silent treatment and stopped communicating.
Find ways to engage sexually that meet your needs and your husband’s needs.
Now, all that said: we all realize that sometimes it’s just difficult to get in the mood for intimacy. Sometimes it’s difficult to even think about enjoying it when we’re tired, stressed, dealing with the kids, worried about work, and so on.
So I’m sure you don’t intend to send a rejection message to your man. But he doesn’t know that. He simply feels rejected. And because feeling desired is so tied in to how he feels about himself, it is personal.
So for the sake of not only him but your relationship, it’s probably worth it to find ways to address this. Help him understand you and how you need anticipation time to get in the mood (take a look at my column about that). Or tell him it would help if he’d handle the kids’ transportation for the day—and then show him later that you mean it! Talk to him about what would make this more feasible for you.
Don’t worry—this doesn’t have to mean sex every day! Every couple has their own pattern. But if you’ve gone weeks without being together, be aware that your husband—the person you love most in the world—probably isn’t feeling truly loved and affirmed by you. Thankfully, when you find ways to get engaged in this way, I think you’ll truly enjoy watching the difference it makes; not only in his demeanor but the whole relationship.
Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!
Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
How men imagine sex in their head: “He took off his clothes - the girl got wet, undressed her and licked the nipple - she was on the verge, entered - she finished violently! All.
Finita la comedy.” Such a scenario is real only in dreams.
How to excite a girl wildly? Read the instructions for men here: https://akloni.com/blog/post/kak-vozbudit-devushku
To make a woman shake with excitement, you need to try hard. Men's personal growth coach Anton Glomozda tells at his trainings how to make a woman dream of meeting a man. Interesting to know? Welcome.
Be a man. A woman is ready to give herself completely to a man if she is confident in him. Even before a girl rides a man's penis, he must do everything to create trust between them.
It is necessary to show the woman that it is not scary to spread her legs in front of this particular man. Then any actions of a man are obviously doomed to success.
Meeting point. For romantic meetings, you need to select the appropriate place. Not every bachelor lair is suitable for passionate sex. Therefore, sometimes it takes place to rent a hotel room.
This will not only diversify your sex, but also give a feeling of some mystery.
Women love everything unusual, so if there is an opportunity to surprise her, a man should definitely use it.
Women love with their ears. Every man should remember: a woman needs to be complimented. Women in general need to be talked to. As for sex specifically, passionate compliments about her elastic ass and gorgeous skin will make even the most closed girl flow.
A man should not be ashamed to tell a woman that she is beautiful. This is not only a guarantee of a chic throat in the future, but also raises a woman's self-esteem.
Foreplay. If in men there is only one main erogenous zone, in women it can be the whole body. Study the body of your girlfriend, if you manage to find that point that she herself did not know about, her excitement will definitely go off scale.
If your games have long gone beyond kissing at the entrance, invite the woman to play.
Blindfolded, every touch of a man will be felt many times stronger. So blindfold your girlfriend and turn on your fantasy.
Kisses. As the rule says: only prostitutes do not kiss on the lips, but this is not accurate. It doesn't give them any pleasure. But a normal woman needs a kiss like air.
A passionate kiss before the evening farewell will turn her on. And in the next meeting, the already warmed up pussy will meet the man. The main thing is not to tighten too much. Especially in bed, kissing plays a very important role.
By the way, for maximum excitement, a man should not forget about kisses and lower lips too. High-quality cunnilingus is the key to a gorgeous orgasm for both!
At the Academy for the Comprehensive Development of the Personality of Men, every man will learn how to turn any female “no” into a “yes”!
Views : 40230
November 4LikbezSex
Knowledge of erogenous zones is not enough.
Share
0Unfortunately, we must immediately indicate that there is no universal way. But there are moments common to all people that will help set you up for sex.
Obviously, if any organism is exhausted to the extreme, it has no time for reproduction, its needs would be satisfied. So it is with people: a sleepy or hungry person in stress will not have desire. If a woman is exhausted after a day at work or with children (and sometimes both), no amount of kissing, stroking, biting will work.
If you dream of a passionate lover, give her the opportunity to rest, listen if she needs it, and sometimes even give up sex in favor of hugs.
Evgeniy Saprykin
Sexologist Mental Health Center
Indeed, anxiety, depression, worries switch the brain into protection mode. In conditions of deficiency, lack of something, sexuality is inhibited. At the same time, it turns on if the partner has the necessary resource, can share it, show favor, take care.
It remains only to understand what exactly will be a resource and care for your partner in this situation.
If you're hoping for a romantic evening, try to create the right atmosphere. The recipe will depend on the preferences of the couple: someone will send playful messages to each other all day, someone will cook dinner together to eat it by candlelight, and someone will arrange a massage session.
Evgeny Saprykin
Consider that sex begins long before the first touch and ends strongly after orgasm. Sex is not a single event in a vacuum. You can think of the sexual act itself as the icing on the cake of relationships, situations, conversations. Consider ingredients such as expectation, uncertainty, yearning. These are all important parts of the recipe that enhance the taste of the cake for both you and your partner.
To do this, observe and discuss preferences, especially if you have been together for a long time.
So you will know how to please each other, which lever to press to get a partner. So, you can choose touches, scenarios, poses that she definitely likes. Or try something new, but with an understanding of what is most likely to suit her.
If you are just getting to know each other, it is better to give preference to the classics: stroke your hair, neck and décolleté, kiss and bite your neck and ears, gradually going down. Pay attention to body language and ask her if she likes it during the process. It's a bad idea to immediately rush at a new partner with a gag and a whip, unless you met on a thematic forum.
Evgeny Saprykin
Do what she likes, and don't forget to express your desires, your excitement. After all, sexual arousal has two sides: perceptive (“I want him / her”) and receptive (“I see that my partner wants me, and I get excited”). However, it works under other conditions.
Active consent must be obtained before any sexual activity.
This is when a person can express in words that he wants sex. To do this, you need to be an adult (and not look like an adult), conscious and not under the influence of alcohol, drugs or threats and coercion. Only in this way, otherwise it is rape or violent acts of a sexual nature.
Remember that consent is given for each type of interaction, and not for all at once. A girl may be ready to kiss but not want sex. Or want vaginal penetration but be against anal. In addition, consent can be withdrawn at any time: if she changes her mind, you need to stop.
Also, you can't ask for sex or any kind of it if the partner said she didn't want it.
If you think this kills romance, try projecting the situation onto yourself. If during sex your partner begins to choke or stimulate you anally, because she thinks that this will only make sex hotter, your arousal may not grow, but disappear. Consent protects the boundaries of a person, and this principle cannot be violated.
Evgeny Saprykin
Sexual arousal is the pursuit of something attractive, not the avoidance of something bad.
