In This Article
When a relationship begins, there’s this excitement and energy that emanates from both partners. At this point, they can do almost anything for each other because of the newness of their love and bond.
However, as time goes on, different factors begin to test their love for each other, and everything seems to step down a bit. If you notice that your man is not putting in the effort to make your relationship work any longer, it might be one of the signs he’s tired of you.
It takes the conscious efforts of both partners to stir the waters that will ensure everything returns to normalcy.
On some occasions, it never goes back to the way it was if one partner is unwilling to make the relationship work. This article will be looking extensively into indicators that tell when a man is tired of the relationship.
Related Reading: How to Make a Relationship Work: 15 Ways to Help
Are you wondering how to tell if someone is tired of you? This puzzle lies in your ability to deduce what your man might be thinking of after reading some of the signs mentioned in this article.
Another way you can tell if your man is getting tired of the relationship is by conducting a sincere assessment of yourself since the relationship started.
With the personal evaluation and the signs that will be mentioned shortly, you will be able to tell if your man is tired of you or he has something else he’s battling.
If you want to tell if your man is tired and bored of being with you, you will notice that he will keep a physical and emotional distance from you.
At a point, you will feel like you are the only one left in the relationship. Also, he will make little or no efforts to keep rowing the relationship boat alongside you.
Here’s a book by Ryan Thant that acts as a comprehensive guide into what men won’t tell you. The book helps women to understand men better and possibly read their minds to know what they want.
Related Reading: How to Reduce the Emotional Distance in a Relationship
Can you deduce if someone is tired of you? If they truly are, that means it is only a matter of time before they are out of your life for good.
If you are in a romantic relationship with a man and you suspect this, here are 15 signs he’s tired of you.
When you notice that he is pretty uninterested in communicating with you about issues in the relationship, it is one of the vital signs he’s tired of you. Some partners might feel that since their man no longer complains, that it is a good thing.
However, they are oblivious that their man has most likely lost interest in the relationship and is only waiting patiently for it to end.
2. He is more self-centeredOne of the clear signs he’s tired of you is when you notice that he thinks more about himself and rarely brings you into the equation. Most times, he will only bring you in when he feels like everything has been sorted out.
So on his priority list, you would probably be at the bottom. You can quickly tell this because his actions water them down as you put more effort into the relationship.
Related Reading: 20 Effective Ways to Put Effort in a Relationship3. He takes advantage of you
Someone who takes advantage of you might be tired of you, and you can tell if you are sensitive enough. If you notice and are tired of being used, watch closely; you will see that he will draw closer to you when he needs something.
Then, after you fulfill his needs, he will ghost off till another need arises. When this happens regularly, it is possible that he is tired of you.
4. He gets angry at your unexplainablyOne of the common signs he’s tired of you is when he gets angry at you for little or no reason. Almost everything you do pisses him off. Whereas, if another person does the same to him, he would most likely ignore them.
5. He ignores youYour man doesn’t need to tell you that “I’m tired of you” before realizing this. If you notice that your affairs are of no interest to him, unlike when the relationship was relatively new, then he is likely tired of you.
It is possible someone else has his attention, or he has lost faith in the relationship.
Related Reading: 15 Things to Do When a Guy Ignores You After an Argument6. He doesn’t respect you any longer
Respect is one of the essential pillars of a relationship, and when it is absent, it could imply that one party is tired of the other. When you notice that he doesn’t deserve you, he cares less about how you will feel when he disrespects you.
Also Try: Does My Husband Respect Me Quiz
7. He doesn’t apologize after an incidentIt is normal for fallouts to happen in a relationship, and partners have to apologize to each other for the relationship to move forward. However, if your man is the cause of a particular conflict, and he neither refuses to apologize, then it is one of the big signs he’s tired of you.
8. He doesn’t want you meddling in his affairsIf you have asked yourself, “Is he getting tired of me?” check if he allows you to know what is going on in his corner.
He might see other women or plan to relocate, and he does not want you to be involved.
If you begin to suspect and you ask questions, he might get angry. The behavior of not wanting you to pry into his life is one of the signs he’s tired of you.
9. He doesn’t place importance on special occasionsIf you’re tired of loving someone, it is impossible not to remember some special dates in their lives. This is one of the signs he’s tired of you when you notice he doesn’t make any effort to make your important day worth it.
If he has other plans, he would prefer to cancel on you on those days rather than create memories with you.
10. He doesn’t support youIt is painful to realize that someone who used to have your back before does not care about you any longer.
If you are looking for one of the signs he’s tired of you, this is one to look out for. When you need utmost support, and he turns a blind eye or gives the cold shoulder, he is tired of you.
Related Reading: 7 Things to Do When You Have an Unsupportive Partner11. He prefers to blame you
If he regularly prefers to blame you instead of owning up to his mistakes, it is clear that he is on his way out of the relationship. When he creates a problem, you might have noticed that he hides behind the shadows and allows you to face the repercussions alone.
12. His presence threatens youHave you ever felt scared in the presence of your man? Maybe you think he is going to spank or pounce on you the next minute. When you begin to feel like this continuously, it means that his body language suggests that your perception of him has been flawed.
At this point, you can tell that the relationship is not worth continuing.
13. He has no plans for the relationshipIt is pretty easy to tell when your partner isn’t interested in the relationship anymore. You will notice that they don’t talk about the relationship goals or plans.
They live the day as it comes with no iota of intentionality.
Related Reading: What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship?14. He gets annoyed when you want to be cozy with him
Partners in healthy relationships will always want to be around each other. This is why you can find any of them acting cute and cozy around the other. He is likely tired of you if you notice that he doesn’t fancy the way you act ‘childish’ around him.
15. His friends change their attitude towards youHave you noticed that the friends of your man no longer act friendly towards you?
Sometimes, they probably behave like strangers around you, and you begin to wonder what went wrong. If this happens to you, you can guess that your boyfriend is tired of you and has probably told his friends.
Yaz Place’s book titled Signs He’s not into you helps women know if their man is still interested in the relationship or just wasting their time.
Hence, they can stop guessing and look at the possible signs that their man exhibits.
After you have confirmed that your man is bored of you, what is the next step to take? It is best to act right so that you don’t ruin the chances of having your man back and saving the relationship.
Here are some things to do when you are sure your man is bored of you.
1. Communicate with himYou might think you know all that is going on, but you would be shocked when you converse with him, and he starts to open up. Having open and honest communication with him would help you find out why he got bored.
Related Reading: The Importance Of Communication In Marriage2. Plan a surprise getaway with your partner
One of the ways to revive a relationship with an individual who is tired of someone is to plan a getaway that they would not see coming.
The both of you can go to a place far away from work, family, and friends and use the opportunity to reconnect with each other.
If you are wondering why he is tired of you, watch this video on why he could be done with you.
If you think that things are beyond control, seeing a therapist would be a great idea. A therapist helps you uncover the root cause of the problem, which allows you to see things from a different perspective.
In addition, it would be great if you and your partner see the therapist together so that the matter won’t be judged from one angle.
To fix your relationship if you think your man is bored of you, check out Tara Fields’ book titled: The Love Fix. The book helps partners to both repair and restore their relationship on track.
ConclusionAfter reading some of the possible signs he’s tired of you, you now have an idea of why your man has been behaving in a certain way.
Therefore, it is advised that you don’t confront him like you want to attack him. Instead, it is best to have open and honest communication with him to get him cooperative.
Do you know how to tell if someone is tired of you? At one point or another, almost everyone has been in a relationship where they are just over it.
It could be a friendship, a family connection, or a romantic connection that has just gone sour, but whatever kind of relationship it is, you know it’s just awful.
In most cases, when we get fed up with a person, we tend to want to walk away. From what I’ve seen, though, most do not.
When this happens, people will either wait for the relationship to die naturally or wait until it’s more convenient for them to leave the other party behind.
If you're on the receiving end of this, you might want to know what signs to look for that he doesn't want a relationship with you anymore so you don't end up holding on for no reason.
The funny thing about being fed up with or tired of someone is that you often don’t realize how well they can hide it.
Or, rather, I always found it strange how often people are blindsided when they hear that their partner is bored and done with them.
RELATED: If He Says These 10 Things, He's Just Stringing You Along Until He Finds Someone 'Better'
You'll know if your boyfriend is getting bored of you and is done with your relationships if you notice certain behaviors like too much excessive phone use, wandering eyes, or outside attractions getting in the way of your fun times.
These nonverbal cues can help you assess if you're stuck in a passionless relationship and it might be time to break up for good.
Any sort of affectionate display or discussion seems to annoy, repulse, or anger him.
When someone is really sick of a person, they don’t want to see that person.
They don’t want snuggle up to that person, and they may even be just on the verge of snapping at that person.
This is because they are sick of seeing them or even having to speak to them.
If you’ve become an obvious source of annoyance, he’s probably fed up with having you around.
I’m a firm believer that a person’s jokes tell what is really on their mind.
If he’s regularly joking about hitting you or leaving you, then there’s a good chance that he’s really pissed off with you to the point that he’s regularly thinking of hurting you.
You feel like you have to tiptoe around him in order to keep the relationship going. A good way to figure out if he’s fed up with you is to check your gut feeling.
If you get the feeling like you need to handle everything with care just to keep him from leaving or exploding, then it’s pretty likely that he’s fed up.
He used to complain or try to talk about issues in the relationship, but now, he’s stopped.
Most girls I’ve met see the sudden end to complaining as a good thing, but it’s often a sign that the relationship died.
If a guy is trying to talk to you about something that is seriously bothering, he still believes that the relationship can be salvaged.
If he stops trying to discuss it or attempt to make it better, it’s because he’s done trying to make it better and because he’s checked out of the relationship like last night’s hotel stay.
Ever have to deal with someone that you hated? If so, you already probably knew that it’s really hard not to be cold towards them.
If he’s got an icy disposition towards you these days, it could be one of the signs he's tired of you.
RELATED: 7 Signs He Doesn't Want A Relationship With You
Generally speaking, when a guy is totally done with a relationship, the relationship starts becoming all about him.
He will only talk to you when it’s convenient for you, he will probably get super selfish in bed, and you will drop to his last priority.
This means that if you’re constantly feeling like you’re putting in all the effort, it’s probably because he’s over it.
Does he regularly lash out in anger of the littlest of things? This isn’t a good sign.
At best, he’s fed up with you and the relationship. At worst, you’re dealing with an abuser. Either way, it’s time to call it quits.
A guy who still wants a relationship to exist will talk things out and do what he can to make sure that you two make it through. A guy who is totally fed up with you, on the other hand, will not.
The reason why is because he will not see any use in talking to you about it anymore.
If you can’t get any answers out of him or he ignores you, it’s a sign that the relationship needs to come to a close.
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This is a bad sign. When this happens, it means that he’s been venting to his friends about you, and what he’s been saying about you isn’t the least bit nice.
When this happens, your relations with his friends are permanently wrecked and that means the relationship between the two of you probably won’t be salvageable anytime soon.
But you can make new friends that pay attention to you and don't give you disinterested responses. The same logic can be applied to a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner too.
It used to be that you were joined at the hip. Nowadays, it’s anything but!
You literally have to fight to get him to reply to you via text, and he constantly cancels dates at the last minute.
Sound familiar? If so, it’s a sign that he’s over you.
We all know what it means when a man wants space, and I shouldn’t have to tell you.
Space is normal for every couple. But if your partner isn't looking forward to spending time with you, it means that you’re most likely going to have permanent time apart.
RELATED: 9 Intense Mind Games Men Play & Why They're Signs He Doesn't Want A Relationship With You
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a Jack-of-all-trades writer based out of Red Bank, New Jersey. When she's not writing, she's drinking red wine and chilling with some cool cats. You can follow her on Twitter.
Content
"I understand you"
"Calm down", "Pull yourself together" strong!"
"Hold on"
"Everything will be fine", "Everything will be fine", "Life goes on"
"You will have more children", "You will still have a healthy baby"
"It's time"
"God takes the best" , “God took, God gave”, “Now he is with God, he is well”
“How are you?”
How to help? Indifference
When you think about what to say to a person experiencing grief, usually either banal words or dry phrases come to mind, or you don’t know what to say at all.
For example, when a person goes to work after the loss of a loved one, colleagues find it important to say: “Condolences,” “I’m sorry,” “I sympathize.” But it’s one thing when it’s said from the heart, by those who really sympathize, it’s another thing when such words are repeated all over the place.
Duty phrases, at best, pass by, but can also offend, anger when they are said just to say, for the sake of form.
This happens not at all because people are stupid, cruel or indifferent, but because they feel embarrassed and consider it their duty to say something, to somehow respond to someone else's grief. I believe that the principle should work here: if the words come from the soul, from the heart, if you want to say - speak. But don't use dry platitudes just to say it. If you don’t know what to say, shut up or tell the truth: “I don’t know what to say to you now. What can I do for you to make you feel better? Do you want me to just sit next to you? We can be silent or talk together.
What can I do for you?". Because it happens that people in an attempt to console a grieving person only make it more painful.
Usually the inner reaction to such an attempt to console is: “No, you don't understand!”. Your wounds always hurt more. Even if you had a similar situation in your life, it is yours, you experienced it differently. Grief is always individual.
In addition, when a person experiences his own grief, he does not want to hear about how it was with you. It is important for him to talk about his .
Once upon a time we were on the “Hot Line” (“Hot Line” of the Center for Emergency Psychological Assistance of the Ministry of Emergency Situations of Russia, which Larisa Pyzhyanova led from 2007 to 2014 - ed.) 9A woman called 0026 and told how her father, a pilot, died 20 years ago. Once, calling, she got on a young employee. And she began to tell him how hard it was for her, because at that time there was no psychological support, and she was left alone with her grief.
And the young guy "on the machine" replied: "Yes, I understand." The woman asked again: “Your father, a pilot, also died 20 years ago?!”
The words "I understand you" can still be positively perceived when other parents who have lost a child so sympathize with the parents who have also lost a child. And you still need to be careful - everyone's situation is different! Someone had a child who was absolutely healthy, successful and died suddenly, as a result of a tragic accident: in one moment, his whole life changed. For others, on the contrary, the child was seriously ill for a long time, they realized that he would die. Which one is harder? Can they understand each other?
Test. Can you comfort someone in grief?
Take the test “Can you console a person in grief?
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Therefore, there are no blanks and standard phrases for consolation, some kind of universal training manual: everything is very individual.
you feel!" This is a devaluation of his feelings. It must be understood that if he could, he would have calmed down without any "prompts". But his grief, his fear is poured out in this form, these are such strong emotions that he is not able to cope with them.
Actually, hysterics, screams, aggression, tears are nothing more than a request for help: he wants to be heard, understood.
In this case, it is necessary to recognize and describe his feelings in words: “I see that you are angry.” However, sensitivity is also needed here, it is necessary to choose the right words, because if a person who is furious says directly to the forehead: “I see that you are annoyed,” he will simply explode. You need to get into the emotion exactly: “You can’t cope, you want to do something, but you don’t know what.” Why is it important to say? To make the person feel that you understand him.
In fact, all his reactions are about this: “You can’t hear me. Hear me!
Aggression, rage, hysteria can frighten the very person who shows these emotions. He looks at himself from the outside and thinks: “What am I doing?! I must be crazy."
But in a situation of great grief, crying, crying is normal. We must give him the right to behave like this : “Cry, shout out. You're furious now, let her out. You have a right to it." By giving such “permission” to express feelings, you also remove guilt from a person.
Photo: Priscilla Du Preez / Unsplash
In our culture, it is generally not customary to openly express one's feelings, boys are told from childhood: “Don't cry”, tears are considered weakness. Therefore, men often hold back. When I saw that a man who had lost a child was balancing on the edge - his lips were shaking, he was clenching his fists - I could sit next to him, take his hand and say: “There are times when everyone has the right to cry, even men.
Cry, you have the right to do so . But how else - you have a great grief, how could it be otherwise? He cried. And he felt better.
Experience of grief at work How to help yourself when you have to experience acute grief and at the same time continue to work, fulfill your social functions
Grief causes strong emotions, acute feelings - and this is an absolutely normal reaction. Sometimes giving someone “permission” to cry when they don’t give it to themselves can be a big help.
In fact, when we say: "Calm down", "Pull yourself together", "Be strong" - we show concern not for the person who is in grief, but for ourselves.
It's hard to see other people's strong emotions, we don't know what to do with them, we want it to stop, that's why we say such phrases that have a message behind them: “Don't show me all this horror, your emotions scare me! ".
But sometimes it is important to say to a person like this: “Now you are crying, sobbing, you are in grief, you have a right to it. But it will be very important for us today to do this and that (for example, to draw up documents). You cry, but when you can, let's talk about it."
It happens that one person in the family, as it were, takes away the “monopoly on the mountain” and allows himself to blame everyone, to fight endlessly in hysterics and aggression, not noticing that his family is also very bad. It is important to say: “You are in great grief. But it is also with your husband, and with your children, your parents - they all suffer. You must be together in your common grief."
When else do you want to say to a person: “Pull yourself together, be strong”? When he has apathy, he turned away to the wall and lies like that for days, not reacting to anything. Such manifestations of grief are worse than aggression or crying: apathy suggests that a person has no strength.
Therefore, it is pointless to demand from him that he pull himself together, get ready. You need to take care of him on a physical level: bring him food, drink, feed him, if necessary, give him tea. And then slowly stir him up: smoothly involve him in some kind of activity - offer to take a walk, go to the store, help with the housework. Then the forces will appear.
Indeed, this very common duty phrase often causes nothing but irritation. “What are you holding on for?!”, “How are you holding on?”.
Society's attitude towards death. From the book “In the Middle of Life” Why, despite the inevitability of death, we try not to talk about it, and how this “conspiracy of silence” affects children who have lost loved ones
But just recently I heard the story of a young woman. She was very upset by the loss of her husband, she cried a lot, yearned. She had an elderly father-in-law, to whom she treated with great warmth.
And once I went to him to support, to be near. However, when she arrived, she realized that if she started talking, she would burst into tears. She did not want to cry - she came to support, and not to be consoled.
It turned out that they just sat silently at the table all evening. We drank tea and were silent. And when she got up to say goodbye and leave, her father-in-law hugged her and said: “Hold on, daughter.” And in these words there was so much love, care and anxiety for her, so much desire to help and at least somehow support, that she later admitted: “It was as if grace descended on me at that moment and I realized that I could survive my grief.” Listening to her, I understood the seemingly obvious - not so much the words are important, but the feelings that stand behind them.
whatever happened. Naturally, he doesn't want to hear about it. A person in acute grief thinks very differently: "I will be fine only if my loved one is next to me again.
"
It may be good, but in a different way, and not immediately. First, he will have to learn to live without a loved one who has died. Grief is a process.
During mourning, a person performs a huge inner work, which is to keep the love and memory of the deceased, to go on in life without him. At the beginning of this journey, he does not imagine how good it is, but without a loved one. Therefore, the phrase "Everything will work out" is more likely to provoke an internal protest than to support.
But at the same time, you can tell him: “I know that it’s very hard for you now, but I also know that you can handle it.”
At the moment of acute grief, a person is in an altered state of consciousness, he often does not remember what friends or a psychologist say to him. But you can say these words to him, on which he can then rely: “You are very bad now, there will be moments when it will be even worse, and then better: it will be different.
Everything that happens is normal, this is how grief is experienced, and there is no other way. The main thing to remember: you can handle it . You will be able to survive it. Take your time, give yourself time, strength will come, and you will learn to live on.
Unchildish grief Oncopsychologist Pavel Sapozhnikov on how to talk to a child about the death of parents
This must be said with confidence. Where such confidence? The fact is that a person has internal strengths and resources to cope with almost everything, this is how he is arranged, we know this from many examples. You do not know if he will be all right, but you hope that he has the strength to endure his great grief. You convey your hope to him in the form of the attitude "You can do it, you can do it." And somewhere at the level of his subconscious, this is fixed as a fact: “I can”, and this becomes a support.
This is often the way to comfort the parents of a dead child.
But we must understand that for them the very thought of another child can be tantamount to the betrayal of a deceased child. In addition, no one knows whether they will have more children, whether they want to have children. It happens that a man consults: “I am so afraid that my wife may go crazy. Can we have another child? I understand that all this is from the best of intentions, but I always answer this way: “You probably had the worst thing that can happen in life - you lost a child. We lost the one you love, who became the meaning of life, with whom so many hopes were associated. And now 9 more0025 his time is the time of your parting with him, the time when you learn to live without him. Live this time, and then decide whether you will have more children or not.
But in fact, the truth here is also something else: if parents give birth to a child immediately after the loss, then there is a high risk that they can give birth to a substitute child.
This situation is dangerous because parents can unwittingly make the second child responsible for living the life of the deceased: they will compare him out loud or mentally with the first child, correct his behavior.
They do this without wanting anything bad, simply, not having fully experienced the loss, they cannot renounce the image of the deceased child and transfer it to the newly born. But a completely different person was born! With its own characteristics, its own character and life tasks. And he may not resemble a dead child in any way. This pain can resonate in the soul of the parents and severe resentment in the soul of the child who is not accepted for who he is.
If guilt tears the heart apart In all the languages of the universe, so different, we are connected by one dialect - the one that sounds in our hearts as the voice of pain. When we lose loved ones...
Psychologists usually advise not to make vital decisions within a year or two after the loss. You must first survive the grief, and then think about how to build your life further.
This is how people often talk about the death of elderly people.
This may sound arrogant. How can a person so confidently declare for whom it is time to die, and for whom it is not?
Another thing is that for a person who is experiencing the loss of a beloved grandparent or parent, it does not matter how old they were. What difference does it make if it's time or not? He's hurt by the breakup!
When, after the death of my mother, I was filling out the necessary documents, I went into one office, and a woman I knew was sitting there. She said to me so calmly: “Mom died? Well, such is her age, her time has come - and she died. Yes, my mother was 79 years old, a worthy age, God forbid we all live so long. I didn’t answer her, but I thought: “You shouldn’t have said that.” It seems to be a standard phrase, but it doesn't sound good at all. "Her time has come." Maybe so, but it is very difficult for someone who has just lost a loved one to hear this. This phrase cannot console anyone.
The phrase “God takes the best” is also dubious consolation, it is incomprehensible and illogical.
It turns out that those who live long are the worst?
"Now he is with God" - so a believer can say to another believer. But this, rather, is not a consolation, but a statement: they both believe in it. However, the pain of separation from such words still does not decrease: when a person dies, we cry for ourselves, because we are bitter to part.
Photo: Jack Sharp / Unsplash
Saying such words to a non-religious, unchurched person very often means to inflame his wounds. There is a movie called "Rabbit Hole" where parents are shown dealing with the death of a child. They come to a support group, and there one mother says: “I know that my baby is now an angel, he is with God, he is fine. And we are happy! In response, the second mother explodes: “What, God can’t make himself angels?! Why did he want my child?
Such conversations with unchurched people can cause strong aggression. In general, resentment against God often arises at a moment of grief, people may be perplexed: “Why did God take my son (or husband, wife)? I don't need a God like that!"
Therefore, people who truly believe can talk about God among themselves.
And, in addition, we must remember that faith is something deeply personal: each of us has our own beliefs, our own life experience and experience of faith, so the same words can respond in people in very different ways.
This phrase is rather an attempt to make contact when a person does not know what to say, but it is important for him to start talking to someone who is experiencing a loss. And what to say? "How are you?". You need to understand that the answer to such a question can be anything, and be aware of how you will act further. As a phrase to enter into a dialogue, such words can take place, but they should not be limited.
If a person cares, he can ask differently: “ What can I do for you? . Even if the mourner says, "Nothing," that's okay too.
At some point he needs to be left alone, or he really doesn't know how to help him. If you have specific suggestions, it’s better to voice them: “Let me stay with you”, “Let me come, help you with the housework, cook something”, “Let me take a walk with your children.
”
In fact, often a person really does not need anything - just to be around, that's enough. Nothing special to say and no need ...
“Stay with me” — this is the meaning of the hospice The legendary St. Petersburg psychiatrist, MD, honorary doctor of the University of Essex, Andrey Vladimirovich Gnezdilov about work and life in the hospice
It so happened that when my mother died , there were no relatives, no relatives, no friends next to me, they were all in Moscow, and I was a thousand kilometers away. And, of course, despite all my professional and life experience, I experienced fear, grief, and confusion.
I don't know how I would have coped, but, thank God, my friend was there. The closest, the most real, with whom we have been friends for 36 years. She did not say any special words, did not perform heroic deeds, she was simply there all the time - in intensive care, when the doctor said: “We did everything we could .
..”, in the morgue, where it was so unbearably scary to go alone, because there lies your mother, at home, in the cemetery, after the funeral. I don't know how she did it, because the academic year was starting, she was the head of the department at the university, and she had a lot of things to do, and the university was in another city. She left, came and at the same time was always there. I don't know how I would have been without her.
Then my relatives arrived and I felt better from their very presence. I decided to stay until 9 days, and my son told me: "I'm staying too." I began to object that he had a university, studies, and he calmly replied: “I will be here as long as you will be.” This cannot be overestimated.
I have been working with people experiencing acute grief for many years, and still every time before meeting a person I am in some kind of stupor: I don’t know what exactly I will tell him.
But when you come into contact with a person, there is an emotional connection between you, and the words come by themselves. For each they will be different. That's why I think it's important to feel the person. And this will not work if you are indifferent to him.
We can support a person only when we are emotionally with him, when we care.
There is such an idea that if you are not indifferent to everyone who has grief, you will “burn out”, waste yourself, it will destroy you, so you need to keep your distance. But all my experience says otherwise.
Indifference gives strength: we not only give, we receive.
When you fence yourself off and try to avoid difficult experiences, they still overtake you and “break through”, and this destroys you. At the moment when I communicate with a person, he is the most important person in the world for me. If you approach human grief in this way, the necessary phrases are found, and burnout does not occur.
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Larisa Pyzhyanova
The material was prepared using a grant from the President of the Russian Federation provided by the Presidential Grants Foundation.
Contents
To support someone means to share his feelings, to show that a person is not alone in his experiences.
We all need support at least once in our lives. This is especially valuable at the time of experiencing loss, grief or loss.
Calls to “get together” and “hold on” have nothing to do with support, as well as advice, lamentations, lectures and intimidation (yes, this also happens) - all this only hinders and upsets those who are already having a hard time. So what to do if you want to support a loved one?
It is better to support a person once, but sincerely, than to feign sympathy, because there is no strength. Do not be ashamed: it is normal not to want, not to be able to support. Do whatever you can, but don't try to force yourself. If you yourself are experiencing difficult emotions, you have problems, there is not enough emotional resource - do not blame yourself. To help someone, you need strength, and if you don’t have them, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Instead of wondering how to support the person, ask them directly.
Be honest about wanting to help but don't know how. Ask "What can I do for you?" will be sufficient.
The main thing is not to disappear: even if you don’t find the words, be there and sincerely admit: “I don’t know what to say. But I'm with you."
Everyone experiences loss in their own way: someone wants to talk, another wants to remain silent, and the third will ask a lot of questions. Your task is to be there and give the person what he needs. You can actively listen: nod, agree, ask clarifying questions. Or a silent hug. Or talk about extraneous topics if the person asked for it. You can reflect emotions: “I feel sad too when you talk about it”, “I understand your anger”.
If you find yourself unable to cope and feel that your loved one needs professional help, suggest contacting a psychologist.
See also
How to choose self-help literature or find a therapist A checklist of useful books, a selection of services and stop signs in choosing a specialist
A person can experience grief alone. He is free to do as he wants, even if it seems to you not the best idea. Do not impose, but make it clear that you are always ready to support. You can periodically invite a loved one to meet, talk on the phone, or just be there without words. You should not by all means distract a person from grief - let him survive it. But if you notice that a loved one is increasingly sinking into despair and sadness, then gently discuss with him the possibility of seeking help from a specialist.
Sometimes a person can assure you that he will cope with grief himself, because he does not want anyone to see him depressed or crying. Perhaps this is an internal ban on emotions.
In such a situation, you can let your loved one know that you will accept him with anyone.
In the book Accepting and Surviving Loss, Grief, Loss: How to Learn to Enjoy Life Again, psychologist Alexander Ryazantsev offers a technique called “approach”. Sit as close to the person as possible. Do not distract and do not try to "pull" him out of sadness - let your loved one behave as he wants. So you show that you are there in any of his condition.
If you want to bring a bereaved friend back to full communication, you need to learn how to calmly accept his grieving. A person should not be afraid to cry, show his feelings, talk about what happened. If he does not have fun, but sits and is sad, this should not burden you. Show that with sadness you also appreciate him, love, respect and admit that you do not expect sociability or ostentatious cheerfulness from him.
If you notice that a loved one continues to block emotions, then you can show him by your own example that it is normal to grieve.
Tell about your emotions, show them. Here is the case that Alexander Ryazantsev describes:
“In the early 2000s, a well-known consultant, working with loss at a seminar in St. Petersburg, burst into tears at the end of the session. The man was 70 or 80 years old, and, of course, this shocked our St. Petersburg therapeutic circle: a professional psychotherapist with a huge work experience - and crying. When asked: “How is it? You are a therapist and you work with a person who is going through grief. Why are you crying, but he is not?” The consultant answered very simply: “Someone had to show that crying is not scary and not dangerous, that a person will not die if he cries.” In doing so, he helped the client take the first step towards a public experience of grief.”
When supporting your loved one in his grief, be considerate of yourself as well. Keep boundaries and mindfulness: “Your grief is here, and I am here.
I'm with you, but we're not together. This is your grief, not mine, I respect it, but I am at some distance” .
It is important to maintain emotional tolerance: empathize with a loved one, but not “disappear” with him, stay safe and clearly separate one’s own and others. This is not an easy task. If you feel that you can not cope with it, you need to contact a psychologist.
Can any emotional reaction to death be considered wrong? Psychologists say no. Any emotion that a person experiences is normal.
For example, a person may experience stupor after news of a death, accident, or other distressing situation. Some describe this state as "emptiness, when there are no tears, there are no emotions either, and you just feel like nothing." This is a defensive reaction to dull the pain. Usually a person begins to realize the loss and experience grief after a while.
And you can also feel anger - even at the one who died.
Or guilt for not having time to say or do something.
Often people hide the fact that they experience relief after the death of a loved one. It's embarrassing to admit it, because it contradicts the concept of love, but in fact this emotion is also absolutely normal. Seriously ill relatives or friends require constant care. This is very difficult and falls on the shoulders of loved ones as a heavy burden, which is not customary to talk about publicly.
The feeling of relief suggests that the difficult period is over: and your loved one has stopped suffering, and you can start living again.
Psychologists also say that joy during mourning is a useful emotion. It helps to feel gratitude towards the deceased. Bright memories, good moments that cause laughter and sentimental feelings, help to cope with grief; there is nothing abnormal about it.
If you want to support a loved one who is experiencing a loss, then say that all his emotions are normal.
And you are ready to accept without judgment and support any of his condition.
Don't give unsolicited advice, it's only annoying.
Practical help is very important, but only if asked for. Do not talk about someone else's grief, similar situations. Do not lament in the spirit of "What to do now?" - this increases the pain.
