I love how you never get tired of my

- Do you often fall in love?

— Not now. But this is temporary. The jubilee year and, of course, "Olympic" swallowed up all of me! We have been preparing for it since December, I already think: rather . .. So that I finally become myself. And then I'm kind of boring: work, work, work, work and, of course, children. And that's all. No flowers for you, no dates, no heart trembling.

- That is, it would be normal for you if you managed to fall in love three times from December to this day?

— No, I can't do that. When I fall in love, it's an earthquake. When the time comes, you will feel it.

About Monetochka, sex, death and immortality

— You have the song "Tsoi" dedicated to rock musicians of the 80s and 90s. What do you think of the movie "Summer"?

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- I haven't watched it yet. With all my respect and love for Kirill Serebrennikov. I'll take a look, of course, but I'm still somehow scared. You see, I lived for 10 years in St. Petersburg and I know well what St. Petersburg squats are, what St. Petersburg communal apartments are, poverty, I know the party that was brewing in the Leningrad rock club ... It was too great and fatal. I don't want to go down there just yet. It's like meeting with classmates. I wouldn't dare to see them.

- Speaking of Russian rock. You once said that he lacks sex today. It seems to me that if anyone in Russian music has sex in their songs, then it is you. How does it work?

- Well, that's the biggest compliment you could give me. Why is that? Because this is important to me, I flourish in this, I cannot imagine life without love and making love ... I do not believe that a person can be happy and complete without this. I always see when a woman has some problems in this part of her life. And I pity the careerists. I think: "God, what a fool you are! Money and fame will never make you as happy as a loving person can." I love smart and sexy people. (At that moment, Diana's phone rings. She answers: "Valerochka, I'm sorry, please, I have an interview, I'll call you back. Thank you, thank you, thank you for calling!")

— A sexy person who is this? What is he?

There has never been a hint of stinginess and redneck in my family. Give your best, give yours. That's how I was brought up. In the sixth grade - you didn’t share a candy, so they just raise you on the rack!

- Here, for example, Valery Meladze! who just called. If we talk about men - courageous, intelligent, smiling ... In general, I like generous men. I have such a father. There has never been a hint of stinginess and redneck in my family. Give your best, give yours. That's how I was brought up. In the sixth grade - you didn’t share a candy, so they just raise you on the rack! Uprooting this "possessiveness" from you. It’s good that it was, because now I don’t feel sorry for giving it away: I have a guitar, I have a sheet with a pen, and I’m fine.

- About the lack of sex in modern performers - has it somehow changed lately? In general, "that young punks that will wipe us off the face of the earth" (a line from Boris Grebenshchikov's song - TASS note) appears?

- It depends on what genre. If we talk about Russian rock, then it somehow died out. But we live by the principle "he who survived, he survived", and if it is outdated, then the time has come. Of course, I would like talented girls to appear ...

— How do you like Monetochka?

— Not yet. Not impressed. When I heard Zemfira "You have AIDS, which means we will die", it was immediately clear that a cool promising author was born. And now many guys are shocking, but very often there is nothing behind them. You can shock one and a half times, then nobody is interested.

Read also

Generation "post-post": what does the singer Monetochka sing about

And there are very few people who would write cool songs, but they certainly exist. Here is Basta, for example. When he called and offered to sing "Samsara" with him, I said: "Vasya, this is your best song, brilliant." I very rarely use this word. But "Samsara" is one of the best songs that people have written in this country. "When I am gone, I will sing with the voices of my children..."

— Do you think that immortality is children, and not what a person creates?

- That is, "swearing and not writing songs" is bad

— Well, it's not about her. She never cursed, it was me in our duet who was the "bad cop".

- Do you swear?

— And who doesn't swear now? Just my mom, I guess. When I was a student, my mother kicked me out of the house because of a swear word. We came with friends, and my mother worked. She is a journalist, and she had a typewriter, noisy, chirping all the time. And if there was deathly silence in the house, it means that my mother was thinking. And my classmate had an arrow on her pantyhose, and in this deathly silence she said: "*****!" And then the door opens and my mother appears: "Come, please, to me for a minute." I go in, she says to me: "So that they are not in the house now." I say: "Then I will not be" - "Please." I left. Well, I had to kick my friends out?

- And about the anniversary. Even people get sick when they turn 25. How do you feel on the eve of the band's 25th anniversary?

- No, well, if my group was 50, it would be a gigantic period. What is 25? This is an occasion to arrange a concert in the "Olympic", nothing more. Come and see what I have told you here.

Interviewed Bella Volkova

“I don’t want to adapt to someone”: monologues of people who don’t need relationships to be happy

Stories

Tatiana July 05, 2020

What is singleism, why do people feel comfortable being alone, are they afraid of relationships, and how do they cope with social pressure.

Photo by Maxim Izotov

Worldwide, the number of people living alone has increased dramatically over 10 years - from 153 million to 201 million, that is, the number of such people has increased by 33%. According to the results of the 2015 micro-census, in Russia 40% of people have the status of single people - they have never been in a registered marriage or cohabitation, they are widowed or divorced. The VTsIOM poll showed that 79% of Russians do not feel lonely, and 54% do not fear the absence of a couple.

The new term "singlism" was introduced by Bella De Paulo, professor of philosophy at Harvard University, who calls herself "a loner by nature." This term means discrimination against a single lifestyle. It is generally accepted that if a person is lonely, then he is unhappy or has many complexes. These stereotypes inspire people that they do not realize themselves in family life, which means they are a mistake. Singletons are residents of large cities who prefer loneliness to fragile family ties and dubious relationships.

There is every reason to believe that people who live alone compensate for their condition by increased social activity, which exceeds the activity of those who live together, and in cities where there are many loners, cultural life is seething.

Eric Kleinenberg

Although people strive to achieve equality in many areas, attitudes towards a lonely lifestyle still remain negative. TJ talked to such people about stereotypes, freedom, fear of relationships and the influence of society.

I'm currently in a relationship, but I don't know why. Most likely, it is difficult for me to be alone in everyday life. I stop taking care of myself, keeping the apartment clean, cooking, and so on. At some point, I lost hope that I would meet a person with whom I would be comfortable. This happened due to unsuccessful relationships, psychological problems, complexes and childhood traumas. But I realized that I will always be alone.

Sometimes I feel that I'm living the wrong way. You need to look normal, flirt or hang out, have sex, think about your position in society, but it’s difficult for me to maintain my life alone, I cook and clean the apartment, but not for myself. The thought arises that I am not so important to myself. With all this, social ties disappear, acquaintances depreciate, and the desire for new ones disappears.

They told me: “You need a woman, and everything will be fine.” It surprised me at first. Is it not normal now? And why will the woman be okay? Now they tell me less about it, because I stopped talking about myself, being frank, or laughing off such statements. Mom often repeats that it's time to raise her grandchildren, but in general she got used to my loneliness.

I had intermittent relationships and short-term affairs from Tinder. Why they ended, I don't know. I met someone by chance, they say, two lonelinesses met over a bottle of wine, and with someone everything happened spontaneously, but later the first problems and claims surfaced. It was easier for me to leave, so as not to decide anything and not to find out.

Over time, any relationship seems fragile and meaningless. I stopped appreciating people, because sooner or later they will leave my life. The contradictions in our views are not so critical, and when they reach this stage, we will disperse.

It is difficult to leave the house and even more difficult to invite someone yourself. Sometimes there is a mood, and I write first. I rarely get called somewhere, because few people need me. But I go through “I don’t want to”, as it usually passes quickly, and I easily join the party. Often feel like a stranger or superfluous in the company. At such moments, I try to get drunk as soon as possible or leave.

I'm afraid that I'll have to build relationships with someone again, get used to the person, open up, and then everything will inevitably end in a break and pain. I am afraid of the expectation of this pain, and even more that I can inflict it. The unknown scares me, I have little idea how to build a strong and adequate relationship. I'm afraid to ask myself: "Did I succeed?". It will devalue all the work in the relationship.

Loners in the public mind are unreliable and mysterious people. They cause fear and mistrust. If racial or gender discrimination is condemned by a healthy society, then it only goes to the condemnation of singles. Society is highly fragmented, and social networks, which have simplified the possibility of social contact, do not contribute to reducing the number of loners or changing attitudes towards them. Loneliness and depression are becoming more and more significant problems every year.

At 27, everyone pairs up. I don't want to do this. From acquaintances and not the closest friends, I heard the phrase that this is not entirely correct and you need to arrange your life. I do not think that my fate is not arranged without someone, I can do everything myself. I'm comfortable being alone. At the beginning of this year, I learned about singleism, read it and realized that I'm not the only one, and that's fine.

I don't want to enter into a serious relationship, I avoid it. I was worried a couple of years ago that I would never have a boyfriend. At this time, all the acquaintances began to form pairs. I felt like there was something wrong with me. I thought how cool it is to be in a couple, you can spend leisure time together, make some plans for the weekend and other things. When you work all week, you want to spend the weekend with friends, but they have a romantic dinner or a meeting in pairs planned for this time. You are not invited because you are single, and the thought arises that this is some kind of discrimination. This made it dark.

My mother made things worse. When I told her that friends have boyfriends, she said: “And you have to go already.” I offered her the option of marrying the first person she met, she would take me a loan for the wedding, and then I would divorce in two years. This answer did not suit her. Then why should I say it? I don't want to get married without love and I can't fall in love with someone and I don't want to waste time in a relationship.

I have always believed that marriage is not a good thing to call. I have many divorced friends, my parents are divorced. Maybe this influenced my attitude towards marriage. If you create a family, then closer to the age when you want home life. I do not exclude that I will have a relationship and marriage when I fall in love. And if this is not the case, then why suffer and seek.

Self-isolation has confirmed that I am comfortable alone. I rent a room with my friends, they all went home for quarantine, and I was left alone in a three-room apartment. It's cool to live alone, because people get bored, especially strangers. At some point, I caught myself thinking that I lacked personal communication with friends and travel to work. I thought it would be easier with a guy. On the other hand, I'm fine, why invent problems for yourself. I don't suffer, I don't cry, I find occupations and hobbies.

Sometimes it's scary to admit to myself that I'll be alone. But it’s worse that I won’t achieve anything, I won’t earn so much money for a comfortable life. I think that in my 60s I will be renting a room on my pension, which I will not be paid, which is kind of sad. But on the other hand, I strive for a certain goal, so I can organize my life. I worry that if I have a relationship, I will have to change my way of life. It is very difficult for me to change myself for people, I always try to be myself.

There was a long process of accepting my loneliness, only at the beginning of this year I realized it. I am not a homely person at all, I am used to putting my interests above others, and I do what is convenient for me. I'm afraid to live with someone, to build a life and I don't want to adapt to someone. Not ready for someone to wash, clean and cook, as is customary in traditional relationships. I don’t even want to create anything, I get tired of building relationships with my neighbors. And you don’t want to lose feelings behind this life, if you love a person, then it’s better to live separately.

Photo by Maksim Izotov

Three years ago I wanted to go on vacation alone, but it turned out not a very pleasant experiment. I did not find a cheap option: single-room is more expensive than double. Only now there are alternatives for singles - in October I went on a trip with an unfamiliar group of people, they found a roommate for me. There will be no separate single-room at a normal price. On the trip, I didn’t meet anyone, I didn’t want to. I like to walk alone in an unfamiliar city, so I feel comfortable.

When I come to my hometown, and it is very small, everyone there asks me about marriage and children. Maybe this is due to their lifestyle, but what else to do in a small town? This comes from the USSR, where it is a shame to be lonely and unsettled. Unfortunately, many bring up their children with such a historical memory.

If you pay attention to state support, then there is a program, but it is provided for young families. And for this, loners need to prove the need for housing, as well as solvency. The difference is that families without children are covered by 30% of the cost of housing, and with children - 35%. There is no support for single people, but at the same time, these people invest much more in the state budget than families. Russia has been introducing programs to support childbearing for a decade, but childless couples also have the right to partially subsidized housing.

I have not been in a relationship for five years, I do not feel any discomfort from this. I didn't get into a relationship until I was 25, and the social pressures were overwhelming. Not only questions why I don’t have anyone, but in general the feeling that everyone around has a couple, and you are some kind of loser. By that time, almost all friends and classmates were already married and with children. It seemed that something was wrong with me, somehow I was living the wrong way. Although at the same time I was comfortable, harmoniously alone.

Relationships are the second job. And if you live with someone, then 24 hours a day you can not relax. I treat men not as the opposite sex, but as people. And if I go to a meeting with someone, then I will not have the thought that I should meet with him.

Many people wonder why I am not married at this age, but my friends accept my way of life. And older relatives, with whom I rarely communicate, do not understand how this is possible. A few years ago, they arranged a “family court” for me: the whole evening at dinner, conversations were devoted only to my personal life. Some young relatives reproached me for breaking the order. By seniority, I should have gotten married a long time ago, and supposedly I am “delaying” them. I don't understand how this is possible in today's world. My life is my choice. Statements like “a woman should get married” and “a woman should give birth” I consider wildness.

I have been living alone since I was 20 when my parents died. After my mother’s funeral, I thought that I didn’t want to get close to anyone, so as not to lose anyone else and not experience such pain. At first it was hard for me, lonely, it was not clear how to live, but soon I got used to it and began to enjoy it.

Through psychotherapy came to a sense of self-sufficiency - emotionally. I have not yet fully learned how to deal with money and everyday life, but I have to deal with it myself and grow up, and not wait for someone to come and decide everything. I am generally against the perception of men as a source of finance.

A friend kept saying that a woman cannot be complete without a relationship with a man. It annoyed me. One day she said: “Come on, you try to change. At least you can just formulate such an intention. ” In order for her to lag behind, I outlined this intention for myself. And I forgot. Two months later, I started my first relationship. It was a curious experience, with its pros and cons. There was more discomfort, because I could not maintain myself as a full-fledged person, I dissolved in a partner. Relationships ended, new ones did not start, and I have no cravings for this.

Now I don't listen to anyone about the "necessity" of a relationship with a man, I have no need to be with someone. I am not bored with myself and not lonely. As much as I love myself, no one can love me.

The fear of being alone is big business. In my social media feed, there is an advertisement for courses on the manipulation of men. This is not about love and respect at all - not only for a partner, but also for yourself. You are a person and came into this world for what? This goal does not concern a man, children, it is only yours. And these co-dependent relationships are promoted by society.

I do not want to become a mother, I have a strong disgust for the physiological side of the issue. Many say: “Yes, you are still young, this will pass with time.” Hardly.

For me, serious relationships and motherhood are all signs of lack of freedom and loss of myself as a person. In maternity hospitals, they treat pregnant women disgustingly, they are rude and humiliated. And at a job interview, you may be asked about marriage or a decree. And there is a fear of losing your favorite thing for motherhood.

In our country, marriage is viewed as a sacred union, which is rather hypocritical. In our state, there are a huge number of single mothers and fathers who do not pay child support. What sacred union are we talking about here. We need to stop lying to ourselves.

I am not very friendly with everyday life, I would be an unenviable wife. I hate to clean the house, wash the dishes every day, I'm not adapted to this. One can not strain that I do not iron clothes, and if something is fixed, then I call a specialist. All people are different, a woman does not mean a good housewife. These are stereotypes.

I happen to be alone. I was uncomfortable with someone, then someone with me. And in this sense, I am capricious, I will never be with someone who does not suit me. There are women who do not care, just to be with someone. It's not about me. I need a man not to be lazy and respect me. I'm so used to being alone that I don't know if I'll meet anyone. I solve problems myself: I would like support, but if it is not there, then it is not necessary. Loneliness does not bother me and does not bother me.

For example, older people think that being alone is bad. But as they used to do, being a loner and a divorcee is shameful and wrong. My peers are used to my loneliness.

Friends used to introduce men. A friend said, “Sveta, let's introduce you to a man,” but this did not oblige you to anything. We sat in the restaurant, took a walk and said goodbye. Nothing usually came of this. Sometimes they ask me questions about sex: “Oh, how are you without a man?”. I have many other problems that need to devote time.

Photo by Maxim Izotov

As a rule, I am missing in a relationship for more than two months. Then the man starts to get angry. He bothers me and does not suit me. And if this man has a family, then I begin to scold myself for destroying other people's relationships. If I don't like a man, I stop talking to him. But there are also persistent ones, they try to get me.

I live with my mother and nephew. I have a large family, so I don't feel uncomfortable being alone. In the house, I do everything myself, for example, fix a faucet or hammer in a nail. And if it comes to repairs, then I invite a friend who will fix everything for money.

If we consider the experience of loneliness as the lack of desired intimacy, then this is undoubtedly a psychological problem associated with the difficulty of creating relationships, developing them, or completing them. If loneliness is a conscious choice, and a person is satisfied with his life, and he has established social ties, then there may not be a problem.

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